My life experiences, in short

Let’s be honest for a second. Everyone loves watching the food network every now and then, gaining knowledge on how to create easy, fifteen-minute, healthy meals, which consist of ingredients that cost no more than ten dollars. Jim Gaffigan, famed comedian, likes to say that, “When you’re hungry, the food network is like porn.”  Ok Jim, I get what you’re saying. But let’s be real. Besides once or twice, no one ever decides to take it upon themselves to go out on a limb and attempt to create an easy, healthy meal for themselves. No, there is, in fact, a different element of programming that affects our appetites. Commercials.  You could be watching “Black Hawk Down” on FX at 2:30 in the afternoon, right after lunchtime, where you probably didn’t eat anything, and then it comes; the infamous commercial where “real” Italian people claim to love the pasta at an authentic Italian restaurant.  Then comes the shocker. THE PASTA WASN’T FROM THIS RESTAURANT, BUT INSTEAD IT WAS MADE AT PIZZA HUT!  Wow, what an insult to not only the intelligence of authentic Italian people, who no doubt could be able to tell the difference between an order at Pizza Hut and an authentic Italian meal.  I may be mistaken.  Maybe Pizza Hut stole the recipe from your grandmother on her way across the Atlantic.  But I’m going to assume that is not the case.  It also insults the workers at the restaurant, who we all know have never gotten those reviews before, thus stooping to the level of a sub-par fast-food chain.  Moral of this story: why waste your money on healthy, pure Italian foods, when you can just as easily get Pizza Hut pasta, or “Pasta Hut,” as they call it, for twenty bucks less and two thousand calories more?  Sorry, I guess I don’t see the point.  But that’s just me.

That brings me to the second and third points of this argument.  The other day, as I watched “The Daily Show,” a daily re-occurrence for myself, a fit of commercials came on the television.  Usually, I don’t pay attention to these commercials.  However, one particular commercial caught my eye.  This one was particularly clever, consisting of a mother and son sitting in their car eating what looked like a typical fast-food meal.  The quick exchange of humorous lingo made me chuckle a bit, which really peaked my interest.  Then came another shocker. This commercial wasn’t for McDonald’s or Burger King, two chains I have certainly paid my loyalty to, but one for Sonic.  I live in Massachusetts.  In my eighteen years here, I have YET to see a Sonic relatively close to my home.  At first, I went back to my typical commercial-time ritual.  I won’t discuss what that is, but I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think.  Anyways, after a while, I got thinking.  What if other residents of this lovely state saw the same commercial?  What if that commercial made someone REALLY want Sonic?  I’m sure plenty of morbidly obese, faithful tv-watchers saw this, and thought, “Hmm.. I could really go for some Sonic right now.”  This poses problems on a couple of different levels.  First off, our country constantly complains about how obese our children are becoming these days. WELL WONDER WHY NO MORE.  Sonic, please refrain from producing shitty commercials in areas where THERE ARE NO SONICS.  Spare us the thirty seconds of temptation.  That is the last thing our citizens need.  If people like Sonic, they will go there. If they don’t like it, or for that matter, don’t even know about it, then don’t worry. I’m sure you have plenty of faithful, overweight patrons as it is. As far as I’m concerned, even if a Sonic builds a restaurant, if you could call it that, next to my house, I will not go there. That is my payback for years and years of thirty second commercials that at first had me hooked, but then made me realize that useless attempts to get me to travel to God-knows-where to find you are no good. No good no matter how close you are to me.

Another case of this would be that of CiCi’s pizza.  Thank you CiCi’s, for at least TRYING not to bombard me with your delicious looking entrees. Sure, I see a CiCi’s commercial every now and then. And at first, I had the same reaction to these as I did to those thirty seconds of hell from Sonic.  However, because of the lack of repetition, I soon realized that you were making an attempt to broadcast to areas where you are located.  It’s not your fault that television schedulers need filler time. Yes, your food looks quite appetizing, but so do most foods on television. But the point is still there. When I am hungry, I want instant gratification.  I want to drive three minutes down the street to the nearest Wendy’s (my personal favorite), not drive four hours to pay for overpriced meals I could make at home for half that price. My message to Sonic is this: Do us all a favor and retract your commercials from our airtime. We don’t need you. Thanks, but no thanks. And to Pizza Hut: good effort, but everyone knows that your meals are nowhere near as delightful as an authentic Italian-grandmother cooked dinner. Again, thanks, but no thanks. I suggest you go back to the drawing board on this one and figure out a new way to try and seduce patrons into buying your over-caloried, under-priced, not-that-good food.